Wanting to explore something new together is one of the most normal impulses in a relationship — and also one of the easiest to overthink. If you're not sure how to start, you're not alone. This guide breaks the whole process down into simple steps: how to bring it up, how to set the mood, how to actually choose something to try, and how to keep the momentum going afterward.
Step 1: Start the conversation outside the bedroom
The easiest time to talk about trying something new is not in the middle of trying it. Bring it up somewhere low-pressure — in the car, on a walk, over dinner — where neither of you has to manage a reaction in real time. Frame it as curiosity, not a critique: "I saw this and thought it looked fun, want to try it together?" lands very differently than anything that sounds like a complaint. For a deeper dive on this exact conversation, see our guide on how to bring up trying something new with your partner.
Step 2: Set the scene
Sex therapists consistently point to the same basics: put the phones away, protect the time on your calendar, and don't treat it as something that has to happen spontaneously or not at all. Scheduling doesn't kill the mood — it protects it from getting crowded out by everything else in your week. Even one hour, once a week, set aside with no other agenda, tends to make a bigger difference than waiting for the "perfect" spontaneous moment.
Step 3: Warm up with something low-stakes
You don't have to jump straight to a new toy or a new act. Touch itself — a slow massage, extended kissing, no goal beyond feeling good — is a great low-pressure starting point, especially if either of you is nervous. Our post on massage techniques to deepen your connection is a good place to start if you want a concrete first step.
Step 4: Choose something together
Picking a toy together (rather than one partner surprising the other) tends to go a lot smoother, since you're both starting from curiosity instead of managing an unexpected gift. A few good entry points, depending on what you're each curious about:
- Vibrators — often the most approachable starting toy for couples. See our guide to choosing a vibrator that fits your body.
- Cock rings — low-commitment, affordable, and designed with partnered play in mind. See our simple guide to using a cock ring together.
- Anal toys — if you're both curious but new to this category, start with our beginner's guide to anal toys before shopping.
Whatever you land on, browse our full collection together and let each other veto or flag anything that doesn't sound appealing — that's part of the process, not a failure of it.
Step 5: Keep checking in, the whole time
Consent isn't a single yes at the start of the night — it's an ongoing conversation. "Does this feel good?" "Want to keep going?" "Slower?" are all normal, expected things to say out loud, and they tend to make everything hotter, not more clinical. If this feels awkward at first, that's normal too — it gets more natural with practice. Read more in Get the Green Light: Consent Is Sexy.
Step 6: Talk about it afterward
A quick after-the-fact check-in — what worked, what didn't, what you'd want to try again — does more for your next attempt than almost anything else on this list. Keep it casual and specific: "I really liked X" is more useful than a vague "that was fun." This is also the moment to name anything that didn't land, without turning it into a bigger conversation than it needs to be.
Step 7: Make it a rhythm, not a one-time event
The couples who describe their sex life as consistently good aren't usually the ones who never hit an awkward moment — they're the ones who keep coming back to try again. Protecting regular time, staying curious about each other, and treating playfulness as normal (not just for "special occasions") is what turns one good night into an ongoing part of the relationship. Our post on why couples who play together stay connected goes deeper on this idea.
The bottom line
Playing together as a couple isn't about having the right toy or the perfect night — it's a habit built on talking openly, staying curious, and checking in with each other along the way. Start small, communicate before and after, and let it evolve from there.
Frequently Asked Questions
What's the best toy for couples to try first?
There's no single right answer, but a vibrator or a cock ring are two of the most approachable starting points because they add to what you're already doing rather than requiring you to learn something entirely new.
How do we bring up trying something new without it being awkward?
Bring it up outside the bedroom, frame it as curiosity rather than a complaint, and give your partner room to react honestly. See our full guide on how to bring up trying something new for more specific phrasing.
How often should couples set aside time to explore together?
There's no universal number, but many sex therapists point to roughly an hour a week as a helpful baseline — the exact frequency matters less than making it a consistent, protected habit rather than something you wait to happen spontaneously.